A New Years resolution was not to be less pessimistic.

So i came back to Meadville to do some writing, my thinking that was the solitude would motivate me to do... Anything. I have, of course, not done anything. I've been productive, to a certain degree, laundry and cleaning and the gym — all those things i normally never do, and only do now of cour cause i need to avoid my real obligations.

I was in a good mood today, bubbly and chipper, until I saw my advisor at the gym. He made some crack about how long my comp is, which is something i haven't discussed with him, which means he and River joke about that in their inter-departmental tet-a-tets or whatever. That feels fantastic, to know you are a u joke. I can't wait for the semester to start again, to walk through the halls of the vuk, and see the faces of faculty and friends hide all those things that they are thinking, covering them with an embarrassingly superficial hello.

The art history professor who taught the visa class i had to take nailed it right on the head. In his comments about my "journal", and he did put it in quotes, he mentioned that no one doubts my intellect, but i need to rethink how I address and present my own motivations.

He was right.

He noted that this clearly was a introductory level course for a minor i had no enthusiasm for. He was right. I feel like i want to email him an apology or something, I feel guilty that i didn't care. I think this guilt cmes from the fat that he was able to say something about me and my work. He read past the obvious, he knew that i knew what i needed to say, but knew that i couldn't care to say it.

Clearly there were clues to his conversations with Amara about my minor. The difference right now between my major and minor (apart from passion) is that while both sets of professors are equally disconnected from the material, the minor folk seem less disconnected from me. When Keeley and Branch put me on probation for being a shite worker, they were complimentary of intellect and talent, but completely oblivious to everything that made me so upset about the job. Yes, i did come out of that meeting wishing i had been a better employee, but only because of my own will and autonomy, not for any compassion or dedication to them, or the department.

Next semester will be nice, having only one remaining class for my minor, and one that is actually not really connected to the frog dirt that is collegiate community service. I also have my comp, but i will probably have a lot of freedom there, i feel like if nothing i have established an attitude that says stay out of my way. I would have loved to really be integrated with the department, to be river's pet like she requested me to be in our private chat outside the vuk one day, but i don't have it in me. I don't have it in me to give a shit about Allegheny anymore. This is advanced senioritis, the sort that is onset early in sophomore year and fucking stagnates.

So i wold love to talk to those im actually close to here, just to make me feel like all my time here hasn't been a waste. Some of them respond. Some don't.

I wish the ones that didn't did, so i could feel like i made an impression on the ppl that matter to me during a time when my school completely failed to make any impression upon me.

I guess i can say with confidence that in some manners, i am Allegheny. Impressionless, superficial, and scaly.

Location:Allegheny St,Meadville,United States

I need to rethink how i blog.

I need to rethink how i blog. I had a pretty almoar fun entry from new yeRs, but it was mainly my stream of consciousness and i rarely ever deem that worthy of a blog entry.

Which is why i only have, what, five or six? Each of which try way too hard at beng meaningful and constructed. I need to loosen up. I thick i am, though i might enjoy thinking otherwise, pretty formulaic when it comes to writing and creativity, which is about a depressing thought s any,

But in keeping with my resolution to NOT BE SUCH A DOWNER, i will instead see it as a catapult for gout, and hope that over the next year i can learn to care less about perfection in performance, just writ something and get it out. I realize that my knack for writing papers under the gun is merely symptomatic of only ever writing papers under the gun...

I feel like while i put off from academic writing, what i am still forced to realize is homework, is a combination of being uninspired and lazy. What keeps me from my creative and personal writing is a fear of imperfection, and also laziness. I misspelled imperfection, good thing for auto correct. I wish i could auto correct real imperfections.

Image. You are texting your friend drunk and you say "dewd last new years as bachelor go nuts". With auto-correct in life, that text would change to "please stop texting me and please don't get married, you are ill prepared and crazy also, you fuck."

Here is an excerpt from my attempted new year's eve blog entry: And as 2010 ticked closer to its final seconds, i beat my father in chess for the first time in my life. The two of us barely spoke during the game, but that is hardly out of character.

With no one to celebrate, i came at midnight. Not the second of, because I am not that precise, but i have no regrets. I entered 2011 with a bang.

This is actually a huge deal(I'm speaking again of beating my sage-like papa I chess, not masturbation) and it shows as i had a I've dream about chess a couple nights later. I wish i had started this blog with the dream, instead of ending with it, because then i might remember the details. As it stands, last night i was lying next to Katrina on gym mats in a room from the Vukovich building at school. We only had one mat though so I pulled another one, but it was a disgusting brown color. Te. There was a cross country adventure, and that is the part i have forgotten. Cripes.

I need to rethink how i blog.