A New Years resolution was not to be less pessimistic.

So i came back to Meadville to do some writing, my thinking that was the solitude would motivate me to do... Anything. I have, of course, not done anything. I've been productive, to a certain degree, laundry and cleaning and the gym — all those things i normally never do, and only do now of cour cause i need to avoid my real obligations.

I was in a good mood today, bubbly and chipper, until I saw my advisor at the gym. He made some crack about how long my comp is, which is something i haven't discussed with him, which means he and River joke about that in their inter-departmental tet-a-tets or whatever. That feels fantastic, to know you are a u joke. I can't wait for the semester to start again, to walk through the halls of the vuk, and see the faces of faculty and friends hide all those things that they are thinking, covering them with an embarrassingly superficial hello.

The art history professor who taught the visa class i had to take nailed it right on the head. In his comments about my "journal", and he did put it in quotes, he mentioned that no one doubts my intellect, but i need to rethink how I address and present my own motivations.

He was right.

He noted that this clearly was a introductory level course for a minor i had no enthusiasm for. He was right. I feel like i want to email him an apology or something, I feel guilty that i didn't care. I think this guilt cmes from the fat that he was able to say something about me and my work. He read past the obvious, he knew that i knew what i needed to say, but knew that i couldn't care to say it.

Clearly there were clues to his conversations with Amara about my minor. The difference right now between my major and minor (apart from passion) is that while both sets of professors are equally disconnected from the material, the minor folk seem less disconnected from me. When Keeley and Branch put me on probation for being a shite worker, they were complimentary of intellect and talent, but completely oblivious to everything that made me so upset about the job. Yes, i did come out of that meeting wishing i had been a better employee, but only because of my own will and autonomy, not for any compassion or dedication to them, or the department.

Next semester will be nice, having only one remaining class for my minor, and one that is actually not really connected to the frog dirt that is collegiate community service. I also have my comp, but i will probably have a lot of freedom there, i feel like if nothing i have established an attitude that says stay out of my way. I would have loved to really be integrated with the department, to be river's pet like she requested me to be in our private chat outside the vuk one day, but i don't have it in me. I don't have it in me to give a shit about Allegheny anymore. This is advanced senioritis, the sort that is onset early in sophomore year and fucking stagnates.

So i wold love to talk to those im actually close to here, just to make me feel like all my time here hasn't been a waste. Some of them respond. Some don't.

I wish the ones that didn't did, so i could feel like i made an impression on the ppl that matter to me during a time when my school completely failed to make any impression upon me.

I guess i can say with confidence that in some manners, i am Allegheny. Impressionless, superficial, and scaly.

Location:Allegheny St,Meadville,United States